Nostalgic

I know...I know...i haven't been blogging much.
There is actually a very good reason for that which I'll reveal in time.

Anyways, I'm feeling super nostalgic today.
Not many of my friends know that I've just started with a new company.
I'm just slightly over 1 month old here.
You know how it is with a new company...new colleagues, new environment, new jobscope, new stress and what's not.
So far, people have been friendly but I've yet to make a real connection and have real buddies.
I'm still kinda sceptical of people...it'll take time I guess.

I was chatting with Regina online when I received an SMS from Lucinda.
Both these gals have been wonderful colleagues and friends since my days with Maersk.
And that's like 5 years back?
Oh my...time does flies.

And suddenly..I'm flooded with memories of those days in Maersk's office.
The group of friends we had..the crazy stuffs we used to do...the fun gossips sessions.
Yes..we worked like crazy chipmunks but we had loads of fun too.
No company is ever perfect, but I had the best colleagues there.
And I miss them all.
Many have moved on in their careers...some moved away...some just lost touch.
If they are all still there...I would've considered going back there.
But that's just life.
The only constant thing in life is change.
I just miss having people that 'clicks' with me.
Maybe I'm feeling what all newbies feel in a new environment...hopefully things gets better soon.

I know I can't turn back time.
But how I wish I could go back to those days in Maersk.

Unsettling

Sometimes I wonder why I feel like I'm the edge all the time.
I can't seem to settle down...and be truly happy.
Something is missing...I know it.
I wonder if it's me that's causing all this negative energy around me.
I'm restless most of the times...lost in my own crazy thoughts.
Maybe I should cheack myself into a retreat...like staying at a temple and just meditate to find inner peace.
Maybe I should just not care anymore...the more I care, the crazier I get.
Why should my happiness be determined by someone else?
I'm trying so hard to change....not easy and it's a bloody struggle everyday.
Why can't people just accept us for who we are?
I hope I find what I'm looking for soon...if only to keep me sane.

Moving On

It's been awhile since I blogged. I actually missed blogging but with me back in the work force right now, not much time is left after a day of work. 
Weekends are spent with Eric as he's now fortunate enough to be off on Sundays.
Things will definitely change soon when the hotel opens.

Can't believe I've been working for almost 2 months already.
Time just whoosh by and I'm left wondering what I've done in 2 months.

Work is stressful sometimes.
Confusing in other times.
I'm still learning and I'm going as fast as I can.
But I'm so tired...I'm hoping I'll figure out what I want soon.

Again I feel like I'm back at square one.
The feelings are back and this time, I'm keeping it all inside.
I know it's bad, I know it'll drive me nuts. I have no choice.
How can I forget? How can I not remember?
It still hurts like a bitch.
I tried to let go. God knows I tried but yet it haunts me.
I'm trying to be strong, to be brave.
I'm beginning to feel that I've lost myself in the quest to make others happy.
Walking on eggshells all the time is exhausting...
So many things I'm bottling up inside...when would it end?
Who would understand these conflicting thoughts of mine?

As the sun sets everyday...I feel that I'm drifting further away.
I need an explanation...I want to fucking know why?
And yet that is an answer I'll never know till the day I'm dead and 6 feet under.

So what did I fought so hard for?
Only time will tell if my sacrifices and pain was worth it.
Until then...I'll just fake it till I fucking believe it.

Looking for Red

I know CNY is just days away.
Unfortunately, the only new garment I have bought is a red panty,
Yup, only one.
I tried getting a nice red top or dress.
Seems like the colour of choice this year is orange instead of red.
Orange is so not my colour...doesn't match my skin tone lar.
Relatives would also be wondering why an orange is hanging out in Grandma's house.
I want to eat oranges, not look like one -_-

Have been eating lots as well recently thanks to aunt Serene who gave us so many containers of cny goodies that she made herself.
I can't seem to stop munching while reading Nelson Mandela's memoirs.
I'm only about 1/3 through the book and some parts are boring.
But it definitely opened my eyes about South Africa.
The courage it took to fight for freedom and sacrifices that not many would make.
I bought the book for mum last year I think.
But I don't know why I chose to read it this past week.
Maybe there's a message for me from above...maybe it's a sign.
I really think it is.

I'm again in a stage of imbalance.
Though now I know what to expect for the next few months, it has left me feeling a little overwhelmed.
So many things to think about...decisions...decisions...decisions.
I'm not sure what are my expectations anymore, which is bothering me more than it should actually.
I'm feeling the pressure to achieve which is not something new but it's getting on my nerve.
Just let me be...I am who I am.
I can't be you and I don't want to be.
Deal with it.

Okay...I sound bitter.
Well...I kinda am.
Maybe I should snack on some dessert to sweetened things up a little.
I'm just going through one of my mood swings...part and parcel of being a Gemini =P

Things are changing...very fast.
Just gotta keep up or else I'll fall.

Lemons

Forest Gump said that life is like a box of chocolates.
I like chocolates.
But what do you do when life throws you a lemon?
Lemon with sour juices and bitter skin.
What can you do but take it all while hoping that you can get rid of it soon and someone would throw you a peice of chocolate instead.
The lemon will make you miserable...questioning yourself. Questioning God. Questioning everything. Doubting.
How much can you take before you breakdown?
When would you decide that you had enough lemons and start collecting chocolates again?
Who would give you chocolates in the future?
Do you deserve chocolates?
I know everyone has had their fair share of lemons in their life.
I just want my box of  chocolate back...

Drops from the sky

It's been raining almost everyday lately with the temperature dropping significantly.
It made me lazier than usual so most of the time I'm curled up at home reading.
I've finally finished reading Eragon, Eldest and Brisingr.
The three books of the Inheritance Cycle by Christopher Paolini.
Book 4 is not out yet so for now...I'm done.
Glad I could finish it before leaving for Macau.
And now it left me with a desire for a Dragon of my own =)

I've got so many things to do before leaving and yet I'm procrastinating.
It's the weather I tell you...so hard to leave my warm and comfy bed.
Only God knows how much effort it took to get my butt to Bootcamp this week...I was so tempted to sleep in today.
Even on non-bootcamp days, I've been getting up at 7am...automatically okay...without the alarm -_-
Sucks big time.
But thankfully I've always manage to go back to sleep =P

For the past week, besides hibernating like a cute little bear at home, I've also been eating like one.
I get hungry so fast and no amount of food seems to be enough.
It was kinda scary as the urge to eat was there all the time.
Corp Faizal mentioned it could be hormones that's causing me to think I'm hungry even when I'm not.
I'm happy to report that my appetite has gone back to normal.
No more insatiable cravings for food.
Maybe now I can shed a little weight before heading to Macau where I'm sure to be piling it all back on again.
It's getting very cold in Macau and will be even colder when I get there.
So not looking forward to the cold...but it should make exercising less tedious(if I actually do it)...no sweat mar.
I can't wait to see Eric...I've been missing him heaps.
It's so hard being apart like this and I feel that it's harder on me than him.
Can't help being such an emo creature...not to mention I crave physical contact.
My wait will be over soon....if only time will fly faster!

I only hope my face will not bruise too badly from my stupidity today.
Got back from bootcamp and I went to get my stuffs out of the car.
Opened the car door and hit my face =(
Thankfully it missed my eye...I hit the area just below my left eye near my nose.
Okay...luckily I didn't break my nose either.
It's super painful and I've been rubbing it tenderly in hopes that I won't get a horrible blue-black bruise tomorrow.
It's bad enough that my face had broken out with angry red acne since I started Bootcamp =(
Mum has been nagging about how I've destroyed my skin for Bootcamp *sigh*
It's the price I had to pay to get healthier, fitter and hangout with my friends.
I'm trying to get my skin back to how it was before...but it's not easy since I'm still doing Bootcamp 3 times a week.
The padang is very dirty lar.
Even facials are in vain...the beautician asked me to consider quitting Bootcamp to save my face from further damage.
So obviously I've chosen Bootcamp over my vanity...just barely =P

I've also been neglecting my cross stitching since starting bootcamp.
Wish I could work on it but it seems so daunting 'cause I don't have the concentration needed.
Working on a cross stitch while feeling  tired is asking for trouble.
Chances are...I'll count wrongly or use the wrong colour which would mean more time spent on rectifying the mistake.
Better to avoid stressing myself out...so now it's sitting in my closet while I consider whether to bring it to Macau.(it's actually quite bulky and heavy)
I plan to knit when I'm there so no time for cross stitching.
In between that I want to workout to maintain my fitness level...then catch up on all my fav tv series that I miss so much.
Come to think of it...I'll just knit and watch the shows at the same time =P

I have slightly more than a week to get everything done in KL.
Gotta do some shopping and meet up with some friends if I can.
Oh...time is flying...

Just a Wednesday

My day didn't start out good.
I was asleep by 12am again but I woke up a few hours later.
Had trouble going back to sleep so I ended up watching tv.
Finally went off to la-la land again about 4ish.
Only to be woken up by a nightmare not long after.

I don't dream often (tho I might not realized it happened) so the nightmare seemed very real.
It was very disturbing and I had tears in my eyes when I woke up.
I dreamt that Eric fell in love with another girl (while still married to me lar).
And she sells "chap fan"(economy mixed rice) in a coffeeshop somewhere.
What shocked me the most was that she's a typical ah lian.
OMG...he fell in love with an ah lian!!!
How can I lose to that? O_O
And they were conversing in mandarin (that should've been a clue that this was a dream as Eric's mandarin is...erm...limited)

Maybe he likes a woman who can cook? (I assumed she cooked the dishes for the chap fan okay)
I don't remember what dishes were available (no time to notice unnecessary details) but she wasn't close to being as pretty or hot as me (yes, I can be very vain) =P
Caught him red handed at the chap fan stall...being lovey dovey and all.
And happily eating her chap fan smiling like an idiot.
I woke up right after that scene.
It was too much...the heartache and betrayal felt so real till I cried.
Maybe it's a sign from above that I should really really start learning how to cook -_-

I smsed Eric and told him bout my nightmare 'cause it kinda freaked me out.

Me : Darling, I had a nightmare. Dreamt u fell in luv wit a gal that sells chap fan.
Eric : Haha...so funny,a gal that sells chap fan.Next time dream lar models or something.

Such nice comforting words from my wonderful hubby -_-

Anyways, headed off to Subang Parade in the afternoon to continue my search of the elusive pants for Bootcamp.
Couldn't find any that I like.
Ended up getting a pair of fake eyelashes and the Tarot card kit =)
Hopefully I'll be able to learn how to read the Tarot cards.
It looks easy and hard at the same time.
I'm a little confused now.
So maybe all I need is more practise.

Had half boiled eegs for dinner. High in protein which is just what blood type O people needs =)

Yesterday, caught up with a friend I knew since primary school.

It has always been so easy chatting with him eventhough we don't see each other often.

We just kinda pick up where we left off.

He just got out from a long distance relationship as the time apart was causing lots of stress for both of them.

I know what that feels like.

Two people far apart trying to build a future together.

It's hard and it's tiring.

It takes a lot of sacrifices.

Talking to him, I feel a lot better about myself.

The decisions I had to make, he understands.

Ever since I decided to quit  my job, I had to deal with alot of hurtful comments and unsolicitated opinions.

I've learnt to ignore them but it still gets to me once in a while.

This friend of mine, he really understands.

We see things the same way.

He agrees that it's the right thing to do.

It feels so good to have reassurance (besides Eric's because he's always on my side no matter what)

He even said that he wants to look for a gal like me to be his girlfriend =)

That's a very sweet compliment isn't it? *blush*

Hmm...maybe he doesn't know what an emo creature I am when he said that....*shhhhh* ignorance is bliss =P

Overdrive

When the night is dark and quiet, my mind goes into an overdrive.
Thoughts race through my mind.
Some good ones, most of the time, crazy ones.
It's when there's nothing to distract me, my mind decides to distract itself.
When it's so quiet, fears that I have surface.
Clear and loud.
I can't ignore them, and it keeps me awake till I fall asleep from exhaustion.
I know I think too much and maybe most of my fears are just fragments of my imagination.
I worry about the present. I worry about the future.
I worry about things that I can't control.
Which I know is useless.
Because we can't change what is happening and we can't control what is going to happen.
Life is such that we have to adapt in whatever situation we find ourselves in.
Many times unpleasant.
There is no point in being stubborn as the only one drowning would be ourselves.
I believe life is fated.
That our life path is written somewhere in the universe and we are just going through the motion.
Everything happens for a reason.
People we meet, people we love, people we hurt.
We can't escape our destiny.
If it's meant to be, then it will be.
And I think my parents divorce was meant to be as well.
People makes decisions and they have to live by it.
You can't blame others for the path you have chosen.
I always believe that you wouldn't know whether you've chosen to journey on the right path until you've arrived at the final destination.
And how would you know the other path won't take you to the same place?
Some people are pessimistic.
I get that. I have my dark cloudy days too.
But people who are negative and stubborn gets on my nerves.
If you don't want any advice, then stop complaining.
If you don't want to change, then don't blame others if they can't accept you.
Can't please everyone.
Just have to pick who we want to please.
I'm not sure what I'm rambling on about anymore.
My thoughts are everywhere.
There are things on my mind that's driving my nuts and yet I can't blog about it.
I've realised that self censorship is the way to go for this little blog of mine.
It's hard to find someone to trust where I can say whatever's on my mind and not worry about their reaction.
I'm so blunt sometimes and I know it.
The older I get, the lonelier the world seems to me.
Gone were innocence and acceptance.
All people talk about is money.
Money this...money that.
Status is about money.
Happiness is about money. 
Filial piety is about money.
Intelligence in about money.
Worthiness is about money.
Love is about money.
And I'm so sick of it.
Is a person without money less human?
Do they not bleed?
Maybe it's just me...the weird one...because everyone around me talks money.
Kids compare pocket money.
Teenagers compare gadgets.
Young adults compare salaries.
Seniors compare childrens.
Maybe even when dead they are comparing their graves.
Among all, to me, comparing of spouses is the worst.
I have a wonderful husband though I admit he has his flaws.
But please don't tell me how good someone else husband is just because he could buy his wife a BMW and lives like a queen in a bungalow.
Princess Diana lived a fairy tale and yet she wasn't happy.
She's also dead.
Yet in this materialistic world we live in, people are shallow.
No amount of money is enough.
No doubt we need money to live in this world.
The only thing still free in this world is the air we breathe.
If one cannot find contentment in what one already have then one cannot be truly happy.
It'll be like chasing after a rainbow.

Again...

My bags are packed, but I'm not ready to go.
I've done this countless times and yet my heart is breaking.
I'll never get used to leaving.
I don't want to say goodbye.
And yet, the choice is not mine.
I wish things were different.
I really do.
Don't ask me why because it just is.
I've always believed things happen for a reason.
God must have His own plans for us.
And everything is fated.
It's not easy, but I've done it before.
I'll feel like crap for the first few days.
I'll smile but my heart is aching.
I'll cry when I miss him at night.
If I have only one wish in this life, I would wish to never be apart from my love.
I'll be sleeping alone, tonight.

Spiralling

I've been meaning to post up pics of food.
Write a happy post maybe.
Lots of thoughts in my mind.
And yet, words can't do it justice.
I don't deny my mind is complicated.
Sometimes, I wish I don't know stuffs.
Ignorant is bliss.
Really it is.
Maybe it's easier going through life if you don't care.
And don't think so much.

Nobody really understands what I think. Or feel.
I doubt Eric even knows how to deal with me sometimes.
I know I drive him crazy with all my emo talks.
At 4am.
The wave of emotions seems to grip me hard after dark.
I spent so many hours lying awake and just couldn't make sense of what I want.
Or how to move on.
What to look forward to.
What am I doing here? On Earth?
What is my fucking purpose?
I want an answer now.
Because I'm driving myself crazy.
I'm sure Eric thinks I'm nuts too.
Nobody knows the depth and darkness that consumes my mind endlessly.
I hate it when Eric tells me not to think so much.
I can't bloody help it.
I want to stop thinking...but I can't.
I wish someone will make all my problems and worries go away like a puff of smoke.
I want answers.
Which only the future can give me.
And I'm so not a patient person.

I don't understand a lot of things.
All I want is to be with Eric but so many things are not helping.
I don't get it, why me?
I know that life is not fucking easy, but it shouldn't drive me nuts.
What are my options?

Option 1 : I can stay with Eric, but not work.
Option 2 : Get work and stay with Eric.
Option 3 : Get work and not stay with Eric.
Option 4 : Strike the lottery and nobody has to fucking work.

What pisses me off is when a galfriend of mine commented..."Did you try hard enough to get a job? I mean really really try"?
What the fuck she thinks I'm doing?
Don't bloody comment on something you don't know about.
You're not in it so you don't know how it is.
Sit on your bloody high chair and fucking say I'm useless for not able to get a job in Macau.
Yeah, if you're so fucking fabulous why are you still hunting around for a guy that wants to be with you?
I'm mighty pissed.
Nothing is going fine.
No one can understand even if I spend years explaining it to them.
The way I see things is so different.
I read too much into what people say.
Because I know what they're implying.
I may act dumb sometimes and that is just to not fucking spit in their face.
So don't mess with me.
Because if I really wanted to, you won't win.

How is it when people makes stupid comments but thinks they're so fucking smart?
Geez...get a brain.
Things people say are getting to me.
Booksmart vs streetsmart.
Yeah...be streetsmart.
We booksmart people would prob end up living under a bridge and eat leftover food from the dumpster.
Don't fucking send your kids to school next time.
Send them to the street.
That's where the "street" in streetsmart comes from.
If you even know how to read.
We booksmart people can just go hug a tree and our books.

I'm vibrating negativity.
I can't help it.
Don't tell me what I should or should not do.
I can make that decision myself.
Hate being controlled.
Hate being in a cage.
I'm being forced to do something which I don't want to do.
I didn't make that freaking choice.
And there's no other way.
I wish there was.
I'm waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel.
I don't know where it is.
Maybe God decided I don't deserve it.
Maybe I'm destined to go through life with potholes and thorns.
Am I the only one bitter?
The only times I can really be myself is when I'm with Eric.
Because he won't judge me even when I tell him my stupid thoughts.
He will still love me.
Even when I screw up.
He is my rock.
Which I'm clinging on for dear life.

My friends thinks I'm such a confident person.
I can be.
But they don't know about the time when my mind spiral into the dark abyss.
I rarely show that side of me.
Only one other person could come close to knowing me better than Eric does.
And this person is busy living a life.

Friends...how many friends do I actually have?
Unfortunately, the number is pathetic.
Out of those, how many knows me?
Out of those, how many will rescue me?
None.

Don't think you know me.
Because no one will ever truly know the real me.
Maybe it's better this way.
An illusion paints a prettier picture of me.

Passing of time

Today, we've officially been married for 3 years.
Registered our marriage in Putrajaya on 16th August 2006.
Wedding ceremony and dinner was on 23rd December 2006.
Yeah..this is kinda confusing to people unfamiliar with the Chinese way of getting married in Malaysia.

Though many couples do get registered on their actually wedding day, many don't.
Which makes things kinda complicated.
Like...which date is our wedding anniversary?
Eric and I chose 23rd Dec to celebrate each year.
Just because it's one of the best days of my life.
Isn't it tiring having so many anniversaries?

Thank goodness Eric and I doesn't have the "Day We Met" anniversary.
Actually, I've got no idea what day it was anyways.
Just that it was in highschool =P

Erm...we also don't have "Our First Date" anniversary.
Again...I don't think we actually went on a proper date.
It was more like a group thing.
Kinda weird when I think about it now.

Next would be "Going Steady" anniversary.
This one we have!!!
It was such a memorable day.
Thinking about it is making me smile.
I don't think anyone really know this story.
It was all happening while we were surrounded by our friends.
Not sure whether they were oblivious to our flying sparks or were just acting cool and let us be.
Okay..I gotta stop smiling at the computer screen now *blush*
The funny thing is..he never actually asked me to be his girlfriend.
It just sorta happen.In Redang.

Nobody actually celebrates "Day He Proposed" anniversary right?
So let's skip it.
As our wedding just happen as well.
No fancy romantic proposal to speak of.

Then we get to the "Officially Married" anniversary which is the day we registered our union with the Malaysian government.
We had such a small entourage on that day.
I remembered there were only 5 of us.
Eric, Me, Mum, one of my aunts and Eric's 2nd Sis.
When I got there, the other bride and groom had like 30 people in their entourage dressed to kill.
The bride even had a veil and hand bouquet.
It was like their whole family turned up for the registration.
The whole process of registering in a cold government building is so unromantic.
It was quick and painless though =)

Thankfully and luckily we have the "Wedding Day" anniversary.

So..a standard couple would have like 5 different anniversaries to celebrate their relationship?
Depends whether you celebrate the Day He Proposed and Officially Married day.
This is on top of celebrating Valentine's Day, Birthdays and Christmas.

So lets see, that's 5 + 4(because there's 2 birthday to celebrate!) which makes 9 occasions in a year.
Imagine if all of those days falls on different months in a year.
Damn busy right?

And when the baby comes?
Maybe then all those anniversaries won't mean much anymore =P
So, let's celebrate while we can.

Still can't believe it.
Officially 3 years.
Time flies. Very fast.

Our Mango Tree

This is our beloved mango tree that is very fertile at the moment.
It's been flowering like crazy!
Some of the mangoes are pretty decent in size already but the tree is still flowering.
I think we now have at least a hundred mangoes of various sizes hanging on the tree.

They are all Mum's little precious babies.
Due to some heavy rain and strong winds lately, lots of small baby mangoes ended up on the road.
Mum's pretty sad about it.
Told her it's okay...there's lots more on the tree =)

The problem is, we planted the tree outside our house.
You know the little patch of grass between 2 houses?
And out neighbours STEALS our mangoes...when they're ripe lar.
We have some horrible neighbours around here.
They are so cheapskate until they have to steal our mangoes.
It's bad enough that they used to throw bones(chicken+fish) into our porch...now they steal.

I HATE HATE HATE them....not as much as I hate some other people who I have to put up with now and then. But I still HATE them.

So much hate is radiating from me tonight.

This is my plan...if I'm leaving for Macau and the mangoes are still not ripe to be eaten by us or given away to Mum's friends(Aunties living in our area who are already eyeing the mangoes asking permission to pluck it if we're not here)

I'll POISON the mangoes!!!!

Evil right?
Mum tsk tsk me for such evil thoughts.
Saying I'm so selfish.
Wtf??
I'm doing that just so our idiot neighbour would learn their lesson.
Hopefully in the hospital *evil smile*
Don't take what's not yours.
Or DIE trying...hahaha *super evil smile*

If they ask nicely, Mum would've given them some.
She gave lots away 'cause we can't eat so many ourselves.
But noooooo...they want to be sneaky and steal the yummy mangoes.
The mangoes are damn sweet I tell you.

Now...I rather feed the mangoes to monkeys living down the road than give them any.
Just our luck to have shitty neighbours.
They have a BMW and Honda Accord in the house but want to steal mangoes.
What kind of people is that you tell me?

Talk about them...I can vomit blood.
Yeah...and they are only renting the house.
Imagine...drive BMW...but stay in a rented house.
I think there are 8 people and 2 dogs in that house.
Can't stand them.
Fucking annoying. And irritating.

Hmm...maybe I'll just pluck all the mangoes down before we leave...even if they're not ripe.
I'm not going to leave any of the mangoes for them to steal.
Then chop down the tree...hahaha...

Yup...I'm nuts.
I rather don't have any mangoes for me to eat then to let my stupid neightbours have any.
My selfishness knows no boundaries =D

The MJ Effect

I have to say, MJ untimely death is having a weird effect on me.
I watched a concert of his on tv last night and it made me cry.
I know it looks stupid when you see fans crying and fainting at the concert, but I can understand how overwhelming the feelings can be to watch MJ on stage.
I can't explain it.
It's not as if I asked my eyes to cry.
It just comes, in a wave of emotions.
Taking over...and you're in awe.

I doubt anyone can be bigger than MJ in my lifetime.
And that got me pondering again.
About life.

MJ was so successful that it made him lonely.
Not knowing who are his friends, who are his family.
I truly believe it's possible to be lonely even when you're in a crowd.
I've felt it before.
It's paralyzing.
And I think what MJ felt would've been 100 times worst than mine.

I've been yo-yoing between happiness and sadness in the past year.
One minute I'm having all the faith in the world and the next minute, crushing myself in suspicions and self pity.
It drives me nuts.
I know what is good for me, and what is eating my alive.
But I can't stop it.
I wish I could.
That's why I sympathized with MJ.
Demons in his mind consumed him.
He was so handsome...and yet, he saw imperfections.
In the end, he's probably the only one who saw beauty in his altered face.

I'm afraid I might end up being like him.
Not realizing who I really am.
Trying to be someone I'm not happy with.
Putting on a mask everyday to make everyone else happy but me.

I'm trying to find my balance.
Between expectations and reality.
When everyone around me are in the rat race, I'm the bystander.
Looking lost and envious.
But should I be envious?

That's the bloody question I can't seem to answer myself.

The grass always looks greener on the other side.
But is it really?

What's it feel like to be contented?
I know I should be.
My life ain't bad.
I didn't grow up in poverty.
I studied and got my degree.
I don't have to work.
I'm not a supermodel but I don't look bad.
I'm not as tall as I like to be but I'm glad I'm not a midget.

But something is missing.
And I don't know what it is.
I've been asking myself the same questions over and over again.

What do I want?
How can someone give me something to make me happy when I myself do not know what is it that I want?
There are things I want to do.
And yet, I can't.

I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm lost.

So what?

I thought my birthday will pass just like a normal day.
How wrong was I.
It's the eve of my birthday and it's not a good start.

Why must the same thing happen over and over again?
How many times must it happen before the lesson is learnt?
How many times can I tolerate before I give up? For good.

Am I so forgettable?
Out of sight, out of mind?
Is it so hard to just let me know?
Am I asking for too much?
Maybe I should just go get a freaking life and not care so much.
It hurts so badly.
Nobody knows how much it affects me.
Everytime something like this happens, it's like a little piece of my heart is being bitten off.
Never to be replaced.
Eventually when too many pieces had been chewed off...I'm left with a broken heart.
I can only blame myself then.
The choice was mine.
But why make me sad.
The only witness to my tears would be my pillow.
I forgave so many times for so many things.
I've been told I'm stupid for doing it.
Because I'm not appreciated.
Just taken for granted.
Does sorry means anything anymore?
Or just a convenient word to use when the need arises?
Sorry doesn't cure the hurt.
I hate the word sorry.
Because it holds no meaning,
A promise is broken like it was never made.
Eventually...nothing will be able to mend my heart that has been chewed and stomped on.

A promise, is just a promise.
Forgotten like the wind.
Sorry, is just a sorry.
Empty like the wind.

Nobody's perfect.
Neither am I.
But I try to be the best I can be.
To make him happy.
A part of myself is lost.
And I don't know how am I going to get it back.
Maybe what people say is true...
We have no one but ourselves.

So what if it's my birthday right?
Who gives a damn.

The Twilight Saga

I managed to finish all four books in record time.
My social life was kinda on hold just so I could feed my need for sexy vamps and hot wolves.

Let me just say this.
Bella gets on my nerves.
Sometimes, it's so irritating to read her thoughts.
I'll just skip right through it.
I know...but that's the way I read my books.
I'm so impatient to know the whole story that I'll ignore things that I deem unimportant.
In this case, Bella's thoughts.
I just can't stand her.
Irritates me to no end...ughhh
She's right, she doesn't deserve either Edward or Jacob.

Anyways, I did love the Twilight Saga.
It was exciting, imaginative and funny.
Of all the books, I love Breaking Dawn the best.
One good reason is because a part of the story was told through Jacob's thoughts instead of Bella's.
It was refreshing.
It was funny.
It made me fell in love with Jacob as well.
Nothing beats a guy with a great sense of humour =P

The book I like the least would probably be New Moon.
Because of the stupid Bella.
But that doesn't mean I'm not looking forward to the movie that's coming out soon.
I so want to see a half naked Jacob ;P


Find more videos like this on The Twilight Saga


If only men like Edward exist...sigh...
Yes, I know, he's a vampire.
And I'm married.

Since I skipped part of Bella's thought, I'm now going to read the whole Saga again.
That's what I normally do anyway, for books that I like.

No regrets getting my collection of Twilight Saga books.
I even watched the Twilight movie again for comparison.
And Bella irritated me in the movie as well.
Maybe I'm just jealous of her...but she's seriously bloody irritating.

Ohhh...how I wish I can have my own lullaby.
Sigh...Eric can't even sing, what more write me a lullaby.
But a girl can dream right?
Yup...I can just hear Eric saying it...
"Dream on baby"

June Blues

I used to love June.
Just because it's my birthday month.
I'm so easy to please sometimes.

But this June, I'm beginning to hate it.
I've step into June being sick.
I'm tired of being sick so often.
It reminds me of when I was young.
During primary school, I was down with fever almost monthly.
The last time I was sick, I was still in Macau.
And I ended up in the hospital.
That was exactly 2 months ago.
That painful few days in the hospital is still fresh in my mind.
Almost dying when I was a baby doesn't help curb fears either.

June also brought with it heartache.
Why does people you care and love can hurt you so much?
I'm still trying to understand.
Am I just a burden?
An inconvenience?
Do I not deserve an explanation?
For a few days, there was no contact.
I tried, and tried in vain.
Praying that he's ok.
Praying that he's not hurt.
Praying so hard.
Wondering what happened...wondering where is he...wondering who he's with.
I didn't know he was just away for the weekend having fun.
Too much fun to think of me.
Too much fun to even let me know where he went.
Too much fun to even care that I'm sick.

I was so angry. So sad. So disappointed.
I cried.
But who cares anymore.
Because I now know, I'm not important enough.
My feelings are not important enough.
A blanket of emptiness overcame me when I finally calm down.
An emptiness which I'm lost in.
I don't know what I should be thinking.
What I should be doing.
I don't want to be insignificant to the most significant person in my life.
And yet, that is what happened.

Why?
Do I deserve it?
Do I care too much?
Am I expecting too much?
I'm now just wandering in emptiness.
As if all feelings have left me.
I want to be happy.
I want to be loved.
That's all I ever wanted.
And yet, here I am.
Seeing everything in grey.

The person who painted it with colours has splashed grey on my world.
Maybe, maybe...a rainbow is just an illusion.
And I'm just chasing something that is not there.

I want to love June again.
I want to be happy on my birthday.
If only the tears would not keep rolling.
Is it too much to ask...
To give me back the joy of June?