Tuesday, June 2, 2009

June Blues

I used to love June.
Just because it's my birthday month.
I'm so easy to please sometimes.

But this June, I'm beginning to hate it.
I've step into June being sick.
I'm tired of being sick so often.
It reminds me of when I was young.
During primary school, I was down with fever almost monthly.
The last time I was sick, I was still in Macau.
And I ended up in the hospital.
That was exactly 2 months ago.
That painful few days in the hospital is still fresh in my mind.
Almost dying when I was a baby doesn't help curb fears either.

June also brought with it heartache.
Why does people you care and love can hurt you so much?
I'm still trying to understand.
Am I just a burden?
An inconvenience?
Do I not deserve an explanation?
For a few days, there was no contact.
I tried, and tried in vain.
Praying that he's ok.
Praying that he's not hurt.
Praying so hard.
Wondering what happened...wondering where is he...wondering who he's with.
I didn't know he was just away for the weekend having fun.
Too much fun to think of me.
Too much fun to even let me know where he went.
Too much fun to even care that I'm sick.

I was so angry. So sad. So disappointed.
I cried.
But who cares anymore.
Because I now know, I'm not important enough.
My feelings are not important enough.
A blanket of emptiness overcame me when I finally calm down.
An emptiness which I'm lost in.
I don't know what I should be thinking.
What I should be doing.
I don't want to be insignificant to the most significant person in my life.
And yet, that is what happened.

Do I deserve it?
Do I care too much?
Am I expecting too much?
I'm now just wandering in emptiness.
As if all feelings have left me.
I want to be happy.
I want to be loved.
That's all I ever wanted.
And yet, here I am.
Seeing everything in grey.

The person who painted it with colours has splashed grey on my world.
Maybe, maybe...a rainbow is just an illusion.
And I'm just chasing something that is not there.

I want to love June again.
I want to be happy on my birthday.
If only the tears would not keep rolling.
Is it too much to ask...
To give me back the joy of June?

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