Monday, November 10, 2008

Hitting Rock Bottom

I've been so bum out these past couple of days. I don't want to think, I don't want to laugh, I don't want to hope. It just feels hopeless. Lots of things are beyond my control and I must learn to accept it albeit reluctantly. Well, some people are just a pain. I know I cannot have everything my way, but is it so much to ask for just a little path so I could go on? Why do they force me into a corner with barely enough air to breathe? Rules are made by man and not set in stone. Yeah right...if anyone tells me that, I'm going to throw a bloody stone at them. I don't want to think about it anymore as the more I try to analyze the situation, the more I feel how hopeless it is. To give up is weak, to not do anything about it is weak, to not try is what else can be done? Cry? Done that. Scream? Done that. Sulk? Done that. Beg? Done that as well. Pray? Done that too. So what's left?

If I'm hitting rock bottom, surely the only direction left to go is up isn't it? But somehow, going up doesn't seem to be an option. I guess I'm supposed to stay put at the bottom till I go nuts and before I'm declared officially senile, I'll just float up a little. People might think I'm being emotional again. Just a little bump in my short life and I'm complaining. I know I'm very lucky compared to many people in the world who are battling diseases and hunger. Come on, does it mean I must be suffering from cancer before I can complaint? So what if I'm being a bitch? Never judge a person as you can never know what the person has been through in their life, short or long. What is not said doesn't mean it didn't happen. Think about it. Everyone has an experience that scarred them for life. Everyone has a scar, so do I.

Seriously, if it's not for some impossible situation that is making my life miserable, do you think I want to curse the idiot who has the power? Hope is dashed, plans are delayed and relationship is put to the test. I can't go on like this. It's too tiring, too much to take. I feel exhausted. I feel defeated. I need the strength to go on. I just need someone to understand what I'm feeling...which seem impossible as well. Welcome to my life.

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